Half of My Heart
by Lokis-lover-lady
Summary: SPOILERS! Story takes place after Allegiant. Tris has been gone for 4 years now leaving Tobias alone in this new world. He is trying to live his life the way Tris would want him to but does that life include someone else? Tobias meets Maya and is drawn to her kindness and light. Can he find room in his heart for someone else? Is that what Tris would want?
1. Chapter 1

It has been four years now that Tris has been gone. Sometimes it seems like forever and sometimes it feels like just yesterday. I still wake up thinking she is going to be there next to me or I think of something I want to tell her only to realize that she isn't there. I try my hardest to live the way Tris would want me to. I try to be brave, selfless, intelligent, honest and kind. Even now I am still working on kind. I live here in New Chicago in an apartment by myself. I spend my time split between work and helping around the city where I can. I try to keep myself busy otherwise I would sit alone at home and think. The only person I really see is Christina because she comes by to check on me from time to time. She appears to be doing alright but I know she misses Tris as much as I do. This is my life now. I go to work and come home to an empty house. I wake up every morning and do it again. Why? Well because that is what Tris would want me to do.

…

Right after I moved into my apartment other people started to come as well. I had neighbors all down the row. I never really spoke to them or saw them a whole lot. The only one I really saw was Maya. She was always out and about. She had moved in to the apartment down the street. shortly after I had. Our interactions throughout the years had just been a polite hello and a wave. I kept to myself and so did she for the most part. She was the best possible neighbor to have. For years, that is all it has been, civility, but as of late I had been recognizing just how alone I was.

…

Maya is different from Tris in every possible way. Tris had been small and fierce, a fighter at her core. Maya was timid and gentle. She was tall, only a few inches shorter than me. Her hair was black as night and her eyes burned sapphire. Maybe that was why I felt drawn to her, because she was so different than Tris. Nothing about her reminded me of Tris and she had not known Tris. Maya had been born Erudite but now lived here in the city we no longer applied factions to. That was another strange thing about my attraction to Maya. Erudite had been my enemy for so long but Maya did not apply to that. She was not cold and calculating but she was brilliant. Her brilliance was different though. She took care of people with her extensive medical knowledge. She had delivered almost all of the babies born in the city since we moved here. She was so full of passion for other people. Nothing like the Erudites I had known. I don't know what it is about Maya but I find myself wanting to be around her. I see her walking down the street every day and sometimes running out in the middle of the night to go deliver a baby.

Today I just couldn't stop myself before walking straight up to her.

"Hi, I'm T..Four." I said holding out my hand.

She smiled but looked confused.

"I know who you are, the legendary Four. I'm Maya. Pleased to meet you officially." She replied shaking my hand.

I'm not really sure what to do. I don't even know what compelled me to say hello to her and introduce myself. She lightly cleared her throat then smiled at me again.

"Well I actually have to be going now. I just delivered a baby that took all night so I could really use some sleep." She said.

"Oh yeah of course. Sorry. I guess I will just see you around." I said.

She smiled again. It was a pleasant smile, like she was actually interested in what you had to say.

"Have a good day Four." She said before walking down to her apartment, her ponytail swinging back and forth to her lighthearted steps.

**Hello readers! This is my first Divergent story so bear with me while I try and grasp Four/Tobias' voice! Let me know what you all think so far! Much love!**


	2. Chapter 2

I was walking down the street on my way back to my apartment when I saw Maya outside in her garden. I watched as a strand of her hair fell out of her ponytail and she reached back to fix it. She took down the ponytail and pulled all of the hair together and piled it into a bun. It wasn't a plain Abnegation bun, it was just all thrown together with pieces sticking out everywhere. I could see a little bit of dirt from where her fingers had touched. I didn't even realize I had stopped and was staring until she said something.

"Oh hello Four." She said smiling up at me.

She squinted up at me because the sun was right behind me so it was shining in her eyes.

"Hi Maya." I said.

She stood up and wiped her dirty hands on her pants. There was a little smudge of dirt right on her cheek.

"Did you need something?" she asked.

Did I want something? Well not really I suppose.

"No, I just wanted to say hello." I said.

She smiled a smile that showed all of her teeth.

"Well hello then." She said.

"I will see you later." I replied before quickly walking away.

I glanced at her again before I went inside. She was already down in the dirt again with a smile on her face. I don't think I had ever seen her without a smile on her face. It was rare for people around here and nothing something I was ever used to seeing. I stood at the window watching her work. I knew she was humming from the way she bounced a little bit and because I had heard her do so before. She always hummed a little tune to herself when she worked in her garden. I saw that she had managed to smudge more dirt on her face. I was contemplating whether I was going to go out there again and talk to her when someone came running up to her. I watched their exchange. Maya went into her house and came back out in clean clothes with her bag slung over her shoulder. She had a determined yet excited look on her face as she quickly followed the flustered man down the street. Obviously she was off to deliver a baby and wouldn't be back for some time. I turned away from the window and went to take a shower since I really had nothing better to do with my time.

Maya must have come back sometime in the middle of the night because she was sitting on her front steps in the morning sun when I left for work in the morning. She was drinking coffee out of a flowery mug. The sun blazed bright on her jet black hair. She smiled as I walked past.

"Have a nice day Four." She called to me.

I waved and tried to give a smile. "Thanks. You too."

I walked to work in confusion. Why had it just made me so glad that she had said that to me? Even before Tris I had been content to be alone. I hadn't needed anyone really. For the longest time after Tris I enjoyed my solitude. I genuinely liked being alone. So why all of the sudden was the isolation getting to me? The biggest question of all right now is why am I caring so much about Maya's attention? I shook my head to try and clear thoughts of her away. No, Four, I thought to myself, isolation suits me. I had my work and my own place and that was all that I needed. Just the way it had always been.


	3. Chapter 3

I made the decision to be Dauntless today. My old faction had the saying "Be Brave" and today I was going to use it. I was tired of being alone. A friend was what I needed. Sure, I had Christina but she was not really my friend, she was Tris'. I hardly saw Zeke anymore and even when I did it was not the same between us. I needed a friend who I could be myself around and who didn't know about all of the things of my past. Yes, a friend, just a friend, is what I needed. I realized too that I was not the only one who didn't have friends. Maya was always alone. She never had anyone over and never left to go anywhere that wasn't work. She was probably as lonely as I was. I couldn't think of an actual reason to invite her over. I kept looking around my home for a valid reason to ask for her help. I really could not find anything. I was just going to have to be brave. I waited until I saw her come back home. I decided to give her a few minutes to shower and change her clothes. I figured that is what she would have wanted. Once I thought it had been enough time I left my apartment. I took a deep breath and knocked on the front door. I could hear footsteps coming towards the door. Maya opened the door and smiled. She was in the middle of drying her hair with a towel, making her hair a bit wild.

"Oh hello Four." She said cheerfully.

"Hi Maya." I replied weakly.

"What can I do for you?" she asked.

"Well I made dinner for myself and I made too much. I was wondering if you wanted some." I said.

Yes it was a lame excuse I know. It was the only one I could actually think of. She smiled her signature cheery smile at me.

"Oh yes thank you." She said.

I was surprised by how glad I was to hear her say yes.

"Did you want me to come over and get it?" she asked.

It hadn't occurred to me that I didn't specifically ask if she wanted to have dinner with me. I felt even more awkward and nervous now.

"Oh I meant did you want to have dinner with umm with me." I choked out.

I hadn't thought it possible for her to smile even wider than she had before.

"I would love that. Just give me one moment. You can come in if you want."

She stepped back inside and I followed her. Her apartment was exactly how I pictured it to have been. It was bright and cheery like her. All of her windows were open, letting in the breeze and the sun. She had soft yellow curtains that blew in the wind. She left me sitting at her kitchen table when she stepped into her bedroom. Everything in her apartment was made for one. It was obvious she never expected guests. A few minutes later she came back into the kitchen. She had brushed her hair and put on a light purple sweater. I stood up and walked to the door. She closed her door behind her but did not lock it. She was way too trusting. I realized when she stepped into my apartment how much of a contrast our lives were reflected in our apartments. My windows were closed with my rough gray curtains pulled over them. I pulled back the curtains in the kitchen and cracked open the window. I didn't want to make her feel closed in. I had nothing denoting this apartment as mine. The only reason I had two chairs instead of one is because Christina had insisted on it for when she came over. I pulled out my dingy off white dishes that did not have the same liveliness that her blue dishes on her counter had.

"I always wondered what your apartment looked like." She said looking around.

I watched her look at my bare kitchen and living room. My bedroom was exactly the same.

"Yeah I don't need much." I said dishing out the food for us.

She sat down at my table. I turned around and was a little startled. Even though obviously I knew she was there it was still weird for me. I was not used to having people here and now here she was. Maya was sitting at my table smiling at me, waiting for me. We ate dinner in semi-silence. She would talk every couple of minutes and I replied when prompted. She didn't seem to mind my silence. It was a new experience for me to be listening to someone talk. It had been a long time since I had done that. I enjoyed every minute of it. She told me stories of her life and other random tidbits. She yawned and I realized how late it actually was. I was so used to the room being dark that I hadn't even noticed the sun go down.

"Oh you must be tired. That delivery today sounds like it would have been exhausting." I said standing up and gathering the dishes.

She took a sip of the coffee in front of her.

"Yes, it was but it is also rewarding. I like being able to help people." She replied.

I had turned to put the dishes in the sink so I couldn't see her smile but I knew it was there. All of a sudden she was right next to me.

"I can help you with those dishes." She said.

"Oh no. That's okay." I said taking her empty cup.

She put her hand on top of mine.

"No please, I insist. I want to help."

I moved my hand to grab a towel and handed it to her.

"Alright here." I said.

I washed the dishes and she dried them. All of this was so normal but so strange for me. I didn't do this even with Tris. Our lives had been filled with danger and adventure. Here I was in my apartment washing dishes with Maya. What a strange life it had become. I listened to her softly humming to herself.

"There we go. All done." She said putting the last dish in the cupboard.

"Thank you but you didn't have to do all of that." I said taking the towel back from her.

She waved her hand in the air.

"Oh please it was fine. It sure beats sitting at home by myself."

How true that actually was. I had felt the same way. I walked her from my apartment to her own front door.

"Goodnight Four. Thank you so much for dinner. I would like to repay the favor some time." She said standing in her doorway.

"I would like that. I'm sure your cooking would be better than mine as well." I replied.

She smiled. "Your cooking was good…but yeah mine probably is."

Her tone was lighthearted and joking. I smiled at her then went back to my own place. My apartment smelled different. I could smell her fruity perfume in the air. She smelled like strawberries which I had never really noticed before. I closed my window but left my curtain drawn back. I got into my bed and closed my eyes and for the first time in years I didn't dream of Tris.


	4. Chapter 4

For the past month every day that she was available I have been having dinner with Maya. Some nights she would host and some nights I would. The nights that she had a delivery to do I ate by myself. Even though I have been eating by myself for years now it seems to have changed. I never had a problem with it and it never bothered me. Now on the nights when she isn't here I am acutely aware of the silence around me. I have become so used to the sound of her voice that it has become like a balm to me. Her company has become what I look forward to every day. Listening to her tell stories of her day seems so normal to me. It is so simple and so mundane but it means everything to me. Tonight I am eating alone. She has been gone all day delivering a baby. There is no way to tell when she is going to be back. I always keep watch for her though. I know when she comes home that she will be hungry so I made sure to save some food for her. I glance outside as I'm washing my dishes and I catch sight of her. The sunset is behind her so her face is cast in shadows. I don't have to see it to know there is a smile on it. I still don't understand how she can smile so much. It has to be exhausting. She has been gone since before dawn and I don't know how she is even still standing let alone smiling. I can't hear her humming yet but I know it is there. I can tell by the way her arms swing beside her and the way her feet bounce on the ground. I want to catch her before she goes into her place so she knows I saved her dinner. I swing open my door and call out her name. She jumps and looks over at me.

"Oh my goodness Four. You scared me." She said

I can see the outline of her face in the waning sunlight. I step outside.

"Sorry. I saved you some dinner if you are hungry." I reply.

"Thank you very much." She says walking towards me.

"I can just bring it over to you if you want."

She keeps walking until she is standing right in front of me.

"That's okay. I will just eat it here if that is alright with you." She says.

I step back inside and let her in. She sits down at the table and I bring her food over to her. I can see the exhaustion on her face. Her eyes look tired and her smile doesn't reach as far as it usually does. She eats very quickly. I know that she knows I'm watching her but it doesn't seem to bother her at all. She doesn't talk at all while she eats and that is a sure sign that she is tired. She finishes her food and pushes her bowl away from her. She cannot get her hand up in time to cover the yawn.

"Tired?" I ask.

She nods.

"Yes, it was a hard one today. The baby is healthy though and that's all that matters."

I take the dishes over to the sink to wash them. It is very quiet and when I turn off the water I can hear the sound of her gentle breathing. I turn around to see that Maya is sound asleep. Her arms are on the table and her face is resting on them. Even in her sleep her lips are turned up into a smile. She looks so peaceful. I dry off my hands and come over to her. I gently touch her shoulder and she does not budge.

"Maya." I say softly.

She does not move or make a sound. I put my arms around her the best I can and lift her up out of the chair. She does not stir even when her head flops almost out of my arms. She does not weigh very much but her height is hard to maneuver. I turn to get us through the doorway. I leave the light off in my bedroom and set her down on the bed. She is still sound asleep. I grab her shoes and pull them off of her feet. I find it funny that her socks are bright purple. I don't know why I find that funny though. I pull my plain gray covers up over her. Her hair came out of the pony tail and her black hair is spread across my pillow. A strand of it falls across her face and I brush it back. I look at my bedroom. It is so strange to see her here in it. Her breathing is deep and even so I know she is going to be out for a while.

"Goodnight Maya." I whisper before closing the door behind me.

I turn out the lights in the house before grabbing an extra blanket and settling down on the couch. The couch is not very comfortable but it is better than some other places I have slept before. I lay there unable to calm my mind to fall asleep. I think of Tris. Her voice echoes in my head. All I can see is that blond hair. If I close my eyes I think I can reach out and touch it. When my eyes open I can see Maya's jacket hanging on the kitchen chair. It's a blue jacket and Tris never wore blue. I cannot trick myself into thinking that it is Tris who sleeps in my bed in the next room. It is not Tris who I eat dinner with every night. When I close my eyes again I don't see the blond hair anymore. I see black. It is not Tris' voice that lulls me to sleep but the echoing of Maya's lighthearted laugh.


	5. Chapter 5

I can hear humming. Humming? Who is humming? Then I remember Maya. I open my eyes and sit up. My back is stiff from the couch and I stretch it out. Maya's head appears around the corner.

"Good morning." She says cheerfully.

"Morning." I reply.

I'm not used to having to socialize with people and especially this early in the morning. I stand up and head for the bathroom. When I come back out I can hear her in the kitchen, still humming. I step around the corner and look at what she is doing.

"I wanted to make you breakfast to thank you. I didn't mean for you to have to sleep on the couch, sorry." She said while she flipped pancakes in the pan.

I reached for the pot of coffee that had just finished brewing and poured myself a cup.

"That's alright I don't mind. You must have been really tired." I said sitting down.

She turned and smiled at me.

"Yeah I was, but I slept great so thanks again."

"You're welcome." I replied as I sipped my coffee.

Maya and I ate the breakfast that she prepared then she headed home. We agreed to go to her house for dinner tonight, barring any deliveries.

All day I was thinking about tonight. Maya had told me she had something special planned. From what I had tasted of her cooking I knew that it was going to be good. So when the time rolled around I hurried over to her place. She opened the door before I even knocked on it.

"Good evening Four." She greeted.

"Evening Maya." I replied stepping inside the open door.

Maya had prepared a surprise for me. The meal was elaborate and incredible. More flavor than I had ever tasted before in my life.

"Wow Maya this is amazing." I said finishing the last bite on my plate.

She beamed with pride.

"Thank you."

She got up from the table and went over to the fridge. She pulled out a bottle and brought it over.

"I got this from someone and I've never had it before. Would you like to try some?" she asked.

I looked at the bottle. It was an old bottle of wine.

"Yeah sure." I said pouring it into our glasses.

We moved from the kitchen table to the couch in the living room. It was the only piece of furniture in the living room so we had to both sit on it. Maya talked and talked, although I'm not really sure what she was saying. I looked and realized the bottle was almost empty. I noticed Maya wasn't looking at me. Neither of us were drunk but we had definitely loosened up since the wine. I noticed the slight flush of pink in Maya's cheeks. Her eyes were a little bit sparkly and for the first time I noticed how low-cut her top was.

"Maya." I said.

"Hmm?" she asked turning her head to look at me.

I leaned forward and our lips collided.

…

I felt disgusted with myself. I looked at Maya on the bed next to me. She was sound asleep. I looked at her lips that curled into a smile even in her sleep. The smile only made me more disgusted with myself. This pure and happy girl deserved so much more. I got out of bed and walked into her bathroom. I stood there in the pale moonlight.

"Tobias what the hell are you doing?" I asked myself.

Maya was kind and generous while I was harsh and closed off. I thought about what we had just done in there. It was something I had never done with Tris. It was something that was supposed to be special and I was an idiot. Maya deserved so much more than being used by me like that. I could see her through the crack in the door. She was sprawled out across the bed, her black hair fanned across the pillow. She looked so peaceful and happy. I don't know what I had expected sex to be like but I know that it was incredible. I had never felt anything like it. That made me feel even worse about it. I think Maya had enjoyed herself but I really didn't know. I hadn't even thought to ask. I was just using Maya for my own selfish pleasure. I couldn't stand to get back into that bed with her. I went to her couch and laid down on it. I closed my eyes and tried to stow away the self-hatred long enough to get some sleep.

**Hello my lovely readers! Okay so I promise you shall all get some lemons… but here is my dilemma. I have never written a lemon from a male's POV. So I need some opinions or thoughts! Should I just do some research and then go for it from Four's POV or should I switch it to Maya's POV for the lemons? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry about the delay** **everyone! I promise to update more frequently!**

I woke up in the morning feeling stiff. A second night on a couch was not the best way to sleep. I stood up and I stretched. I really didn't know what I was going to say to Maya about last night. What do you say to someone you just had sex with? I looked into the bedroom and saw that she was gone. The bed was still unmade but there was no sign of her. I checked the kitchen and there was a note scrawled on the counter.

"Four-I didn't want to wake you. I had to attend an emergency. I had a great time last night. Help yourself to breakfast. Hope to see you later."

I set the note down. I was relieved to not have to try to figure out what to say to her. If she went to attend a birth that could take a very long time. At least that gave me time to figure out what I was going to say to her.

...

I thought about what I was going to say to Maya all day. I still had no idea what to say to her but I knew that I couldn't keep stringing her along. It was selfish of me to keep her here when I didn't love her and I never would. I had to let her go. She deserved more than I was capable of giving her. I only had half of my heart left and even that still belonged to Tris. She came home around sunset. I decided to give her time to take a shower and have a few moments before I went over there. I paced the length of my place until I thought sufficient time had passed. I stepped out my door and over to Maya's. I paused before I knocked on the door. I was about to break her heart.

Maya opened the door with a smile, as always. Her hair was wet and she was in the middle of drying it with a towel.

"Hello Four, I was hoping you would stop by tonight."

Her cheeriness made this even harder. I stepped inside and brushed past her. She closed the door and hung her towel over a chair.

"Four are you okay?" She asked putting her hand on my arm.

I didn't want to brush her arm off but I didn't want it there either. I stepped back from her and walked into her living room. I sat down on the couch and she followed me. She sat down on the couch next to me but she didn't touch me.

"This is about last night isn't it?" She asked.

I looked over at her and nodded.

"Yes, last night was a mistake. I was stupid and I shouldn't have let that happen." I said.

I watched as for the first time the smile left her face.

"I don't think it was a mistake Four." She said quietly

I couldn't bring myself to look over at her. I knew she was no longer smiling and I couldn't stand to see her eyes but I owed it to her. I looked at her face.

"I'm sorry Maya. I shouldn't have put you through this. I can't love you. And I can't just keep you around for my own selfish pleasure."

"I wasn't asking for your love but I understand." She said.

I finally looked at her. Her smile was back but it wasn't as real as it usually was.

"I really am sorry Maya." I said.

She held out her hand.

"It's okay. Friends?"

I took her hand.

"Friends."

...

It had been two months since I had told Maya I couldn't love her. Her face in that moment was etched into my mind. It was the first time I had ever seen her without a smile on her face. I still saw her everyday walking down to street or outside tending her garden. I don't know if it hurt more that she was still friendly and smiled at me. It was more than I deserved. I know I had hurt her deeply and she had every right to hate me yet she didn't. She was alone in the world with no family and I had left her even more alone. I didn't go to dinner at her house anymore and we never really saw each other. I missed her a lot. A lot more than I should have.

I walked home expecting to see her cheerfully tending her garden but she wasn't there. That was not alarming though, she was most likely out delivering a baby. I continued to my place and took a shower. After my shower I picked up a book and decided to read since I had nothing better to do.

I was vaguely aware of a pounding sound. I looked out the window and saw someone outside Maya's house. I watched as they kept knocking and nothing was happening. I stepped outside to check it out. The man looked over at me.

"Hey have you seen Maya? My wife is in labor and needs her help." He said.

"Did you ask around? Is she delivering another baby?" I asked.

He shook his head. "No one has seen her all day."

That was not like Maya at all. I knocked on the door and called her name a few times. The man left after a few minutes to find someone else to help. I tried to doorknob and found that it was open. Now I was even more confused and a little worried. I turned the knob and slowly opened the door.

"Maya? Maya are you here?" I called out.

I heard the faintest of noises. I called out her name again. I one more heard the noise and followed it into Maya's bedroom. I opened the door and could see her on the bed. I ran over to the bed. She was quietly whimpering. I put my hand on her shoulder and could feel the heat rising from her skin underneath her shirt. I touched her forehead and it was burning up.

"Oh my god Maya."

She slowly opened her eyes and tried to track my face. My hand was still on her face and she rubbed against it.

"Four?" She asked quietly

"Yeah I'm here Maya. I'm here. I'm going to take care of you." I said.

She smiled weakly before her eyes closed again. I could tell from the temperature of her skin that something was very wrong. I pulled back the covers and slid my arms under her. I cradled her against me and ran out of the house. She was only semi-lucid the whole time I ran with her to the clinic. She was covered in sweat and her hair was plastered to her face. I had never felt this kind of heat coming from a person before. She was shivering while I ran with her. I reached the clinic and she was unconscious. A nurse came over.

"Maya! What happened to her?" She asked.

"I don't know. I just found her like this. She is burning up but she won't stop shivering."

The nurse led me to a room where I gently set Maya down on the bed. I smoothed her sweat soaked hair away from her face. A doctor came into the room.

"Sir I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the room." He said.

"What? Why? I'm not leaving her." I said defiantly

He looked at me with annoyance in his eyes.

"Sir she needs attending to and I cannot do that with you hovering over me. I will come and get you when I am through."

As much as I did not leave Maya's side I also knew the doctor was right. I could do nothing more for her other than be here when she woke up. I left the room and sat down in the hallway. I wiped my sweaty palms on my pants. I put my head in my hands and prayed. Not Maya, she was good and pure. She was going to be fine, she had to be. Time seemed to be going by slowly but it wasn't that much longer after that the door to her room opened. I stood up quickly and stared at the doctor. He took off his glasses and started to clean them on his shirt.

"Well Maya seems to have a virus of some kind. We are working on a same treatment right now. The biggest concern we have right now is the fever. She will survive it but it could be harmful even potentially fatal to the baby."

He continued talking but I didn't hear any of it. My mind was still on that last word, baby. I held up my hand.

"I'm sorry did you say baby?"


	7. Chapter 7

The doctor stopped and cleared his throat.

"Oh I'm sorry. I assumed you already knew. She is about 8 weeks along I estimate. Still very early in the pregnancy so it is very risky."

I was sure my face was blank and extremely pale. The doctor was staring at me.

"Why don't you sit down, son? I will come back and get you when you can see her." He said.

I was vaguely aware of being pushed back into a chair then I was alone again. I ran my fingers through my hair and took a deep breath. Baby…a baby…my baby. I was going to be a father. I tried to let that settle in my mind. It terrified me to think about it and then I moved to hating myself. I had gone and ruined Maya's life for good now. It wasn't enough that I had already broken her heart but I had to go and knock her up before I did so. The baby was going to change everything. Why hadn't she told me about it? Did she want me involved? My mind was racing so fast to process everything.

Then I remembered what the doctor had said. Maya's fever was very dangerous for the baby. Maybe I wouldn't even get the chance to be a father. I had only known about my baby for a few minutes and I was already worried for its life. A fierce surge of protectiveness came over me. That was my child in there, my flesh and blood and I would do anything I could to save him or her. I had never felt this kind of feeling before in my life. This was different from my fear of losing Tris. I was directly responsible for this. Maya was pregnant because of me. This child, my child could die and Maya could pay the price. I felt sick from the worry. I felt so helpless. I couldn't stop my leg from bouncing and I was wringing my hands. I jumped up as the doctor came back.

"Is she alright? Is the baby alright?" I asked quickly.

"For now Maya is stable. We are bringing her fever down. We won't know about the baby until all of this passes but for now the baby is alright."

I wasn't even aware I was holding my breath until I let it out. For now they were both going to be alright.

"Can I see her?" I asked.

"Sure, she should be waking up soon."

I took a deep breath before I opened the door to her room. The room was darkened with just a lamp lighting her room. The machines were beeping all around her. Seeing Maya like this made me think of Uriah. That was another person I had let down. Maya looked peaceful in her sleep. She was not tossing and turning like she had been when I found her. I slowly walked over to her bedside. She looked better than she did before but I still did not like seeing her like this. The color in her cheeks was not there and her lips did not curve into a smile the way they usually did. Her eyes were closed so I could not see their sparkle. I stood over her and I hated myself. I should have been there for her.

I reached out and touched her hand. It was warm but it was not burning up. It felt like her hand. Holding her hand again brought me back to that night, that night we had made love and created our baby. Her skin was so soft and her lips were so warm. I hadn't realized until this moment how much I longed for her again. I longed to feel her lips on mine and the slide of her skin against mine. Maya's black hair was fanned out across her pillow. I moved a stray piece of it out of her face. It was so soft and silky. I remembered how her hair felt in between my fingers. I looked down at her. She was wearing a hospital gown and had a blanket pulled up over her. I could not help my curiosity. I reached out and placed my hand on her stomach. I could feel that it was firm under my palm. I ran my fingers over it and could feel that it was slightly rounded. My child was right here under my palm.

I wanted to leave my hand there but it also felt like an invasion of privacy. Maya had not told me about the baby. She had every opportunity to tell me and chose not to. Maybe she did not want me involved after all. I couldn't imagine Maya being so mean spirited as to not let me in my child's life. I pulled up a chair and sat down in it. I wanted to wait with her until she woke up. I longed to hold her hand but I dared not. I had no idea how Maya felt about me. I had broken her heart. I leaned back in the chair and waited for her to wake up.

I don't know how long it was but Maya finally began to stir. Her hands twitched at first then I saw her eyes open. She looked around to take in her surroundings. She looked confused and frightened. I stood up so she could see me.

"Maya, hey, it's okay." I said.

Her eyes tracked my face and I saw the recognition come through. She smiled. She actually smiled at the sight of me. I guess that was a good thing. She tried to sit up and I reflexively helped her. Once she was sitting upright and was propped against pillows I sat down again. She looked over at me.

"What happened?" she asked.

"You had a fever. I found you in your bed. You were burning up and pretty out of it so I brought you here. The doctor said they got your fever under control but that it could be harmful for the baby." I explained.

When I said that I watched her instinctively put her hands on her stomach. She looked down at the hidden bump under her gown and then up at me.

"But is the baby okay?" she asked.

I could see the concern in her eyes.

"I don't know. The doctor said we would have to wait until they brought the fever down."

She looked down at her stomach again. Her fingers gently brushed over it. I could tell she was having an inner debate with herself and frankly so was I. I wanted to know why she kept this from me. Why did she keep our baby a secret? I didn't want to start anything with her when I knew she was so tired and weak but the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"Maya, why didn't you tell me about the baby?"


End file.
